New year, new goals

We here at Political Pork & Beans realize the cultural importance of marking each new year. Therefore, we resolve to better ourselves through a series of resolutions that we hope will make even more readers flock to this blog throughout the new year.

The following resolutions were decided upon after much debate and prayer, and were not just spit out on a lazy Dec. 31 with our legs resting on a desk as we watch the clock. The resolutions are:

Be more snarky. While PPB prides itself on our wit and witticism, we realize that sometimes we're not as snarky as we could be. Expect more offensive diatribes mocking people of all faiths, creeds and political backgrounds in the upcoming year.

Focus on more sex scandals. Everyone likes a good scandal, right? That's doubly true if there's sex involved. We resolve to write more about politicians' perversions in 2009, even if it means making stuff up.

Support more crazy beliefs. We are already staunch supporters of some pretty foolish ideas, but in the coming year we resolve to put our weight behind some really wacked out notions. These include the fair tax, third parties and the 10th Amendment.

Happy New Year.

What the Blago is going on?

Politics can sometimes be like a back-alley fight. Even in the public spotlight, and regardless of what kind of suits they're wearing, the gloves will come off.

Rod Blagojevich's recent appointment of Roland Burris to Obama's empty Senate seat is such a swipe. Blago's got his back against the wall. Enemies from both sides of the aisle are slowly, methodically advancing on him. He will lose, regardless of whether he admits to that.

But he's not going down without a few swings of his own.

The appointment serves no good purpose, except as fodder for yellow journalism blogs such as mine. Illinois' secretary of state has said he won't certify the appointment and the Senate will refuse to seat Burris, who appears to be an all-around OK kinda guy.

So, what does this whole brouhaha turn into from here? Could be a switch to a debate on race, with those who stir pots using Burris' denial to what's essentially an all-white club as an attack.

That probably won't fly. This will likely just deflect a little bit of the heat off of Blago for a short while.

Unfortunately for him, it'll come back with a vengeance and the Burris appointment will only serve as more fuel for the fire - or the swinging fists.

Beyond Thunderdome

As I've said before, news is weak the last two weeks of the year. Most people are just putting in the hours at the office or are lucky enough to be sitting at home with family or on a beach with a mistress.

However, we've got a few tidbits to look at this year - Blago's slow descent, Caroline Kennedy's desperate grasp for power and this guy's belief that America will self-destruct sometime in 2010.

Um, really? I know things are kinda bad right now but do ya really think the country will implode around June or July 2010?

This guy does, and he's even gone so far as to designate portions of the country that will divide into separate little nations. Alaska, you betcha, goes back to the Russians.

Doomsayers and seers have been around since biblical days, and they always seem to get a bit more traction when things really do look dim. Igor Panarin, however, takes a worthy swipe at some straws by noting a White House PR flak saying "no comment" to a question about his theory and a political scientist he says correctly predicted the fall of Russia 15 years before it happened.

If that makes Panarin a genius, so be it. I think it makes him a guy who honestly has a beef with America and wants a little press.

Now, if he wants to put some money on his belief then I'm up for it. Of course, our wager has to be in American dollars. This way, if I lose it doesn't really matter...

Cameflop?

When born with a silver spoon in your mouth, expect some scrutiny. Also, stop whining about the media. It's unseemly.

Case in point: Caroline Kennedy, who I suspect lounges around marble-tiled halls on Martha's Vineyard waiting for governors to anoint her a senator. Take a look at this Foxnews story, which gets to the gem of an interview with Kennedy about two-thirds of the way through:

"Have you guys ever thought about writing for, like, a woman's magazine or something?" she asked, to which the reporter countered by asking what she has against women's magazines?
"Nothing at all, but I thought you were the crack political team here," she answered.

A reporter had asked Kennedy to remember the moment she decided she wanted to be a senator, and for some reason that ticked Kennedy off. For me, it shows that she's not ready for the big time. Asking her to recall when she made the decision wasn't exactly a hard-hitting question. If that rubbed her the wrong way, I wonder what subcommittee meetings in the bowels of the Senate will do.

I think Kennedy has about as much experience in office as a third-grader in a calculus class. New York needs a senator that will work for them, not someone with a famous name who for some reason dislikes "Harper's Bazaar."

Peace and joy, come to you

And a Merry Christmas, too. At least, that's what author and famed atheist Richard Dawkins would say if he were here.

This article linked from fark has Dawkins, author of "The God Delusion," explaining his celebration of the holiday, including singing Christmas carols. And not those lame, secular carols, either. Dawkins is talking about the old school, sit-your-butt-in-a-church-for-hours type of carols.

He also likes giving gifts, but hey, who doesn't?

It should be noted that Dawkins is married to Lalla Ward, a former companion to Doctor Who in the 70s.

Whether that's evidence of a God or not, who can tell?

Christmas week roundup

Alright, Christmas is just two days away and news is getting a little slow, in my opinion. Even embattled governors like to sip some eggnog by a roaring fire and get away from the accusations for a spell.

So before the media takes a nap over the long weekend, let's see what stories we can expect to hear more on when Monday comes around:

An internal probe from the Obama camp found the president-elect's chief of staff had a few talks with Gov. Blago, but everything was completely above board. Hurmph. I guess they weren't going to come out and point any fingers, so no surprises here. I'd like to see what an outside investigation shows. Maybe we can get some good drama before Obama takes office...

And speaking about Obama drama, did ya see those photographs of him topless? Yowza. Obama walks on the beach and the paparazzi is there. Finally, we have a hot president. Will he sport the same attire in the Oval Office? If only Robb's celebrities Web site was still up...

And while half-naked photos of Obama might be stale fare by Monday, we'll probably keep hearing more on President Bush passing out pardons before he leaves office. He dished out 19 recently, though he's still way behind his predecessors.

Give him time. He's still got a few weeks left in him.

You stupid blog

Here in paradise, I have loads of free time to sit around and just surf the net, looking for whatever may come my way. It's a good life.

Because of my copious amounts of free time, I was fortunate enough to stumble across this little gem of a blog - the Rebellion Blog. Here's their cute tag explaining their wackjob beliefs:

Current events and commentary from a Southern perspective. The most powerful political forces of our time -- localism, secession, and confederalism -- vindicate the Southern Cause.

And, yes, it's written by someone with ties to Selma, Ala. How did you guess?

The views within are what I expected - a pathetic belief in secession, a hatred of a powerful federal government and a poorly veiled racism that the author tiredly tries to turn around on any and every minority he possibly can think of.

"I'm not the racist," the thought goes. "No, it's the Congressional Black Caucus. They're really the bad guys."

Yeah, and it's affirmative action and it's anything with the word "diversity" in it. He's even got a link to an article about how the current recession can be traced to minorities, so of course it's the "diversity recession."

But he's not racist. Not really, right?

These guys love spouting off their foolish arguments every chance they get. Luckily, there's less of them than there were and I optimistically believe their numbers will continue to fall.

So, good luck to you, heroes of a fallen era. Keep fighting a battle that you lost more than 100 years ago.

And I'll keep calling you stupid.

Inside the evil mind of Dick Cheney

Unapologetic, highly partisan and run by a heart connected to wires, Dick Cheney let his views be known on several subjects on Sunday during an interview.

First, he lashed out at Congress for failing to bail out automakers. This, of course, is because arch-conservatives have strong beliefs in small government, fiscal responsibility and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Naturally, this means Cheney wants to give out government cash like a Democrat in heat.

Hypocrite? J'accuse you, Dick Cheney.

It wasn't all serious business, of course. Cheney also talked about Sarah Palin, about whom not much serious can be said. Does she have what it takes to carry the Republican mantle to victory in 2012? Cheney said she'd have to earn it like anyone else.

Read: not a chance.

And what I think is the best - a reference to him dropping the f-bomb on the Senate floor in 2004. Cheney said he and Sen. Patrick Leahy have since patched things up.

I don't see how anyone can get real worked up about this one. Politicians typically deserve much worse language being tossed at them.

Surely, you aren't serious

What is it with people trying to question Obama's nationality?

Come on, is this the best you can do? Is this your preferred method in your pathetic attempts to stop the guy that was elected president from taking office?

I give you a C+. The plus is for having the Supreme Court actually consider your arguments.

Here they are - that Obama is perhaps a citizen of Kenya or maybe some Southeast Asian country.

Good try, but Obama's birth certificate kind of kills that.

Yes, but what if the birth certificate were faked? Well, Hawaiian officials have declared that they have no doubt it's authentic.

Well, then, those officials are no doubt in league with the foreigner who has won the presidency of our great nation! He's no doubt from Azeroth - a distant land from which all manner of charlatans and magicians hail.

Obama will no doubt release a mighty yawp upon taking the oath of office, discard his illusory mask and reveal himself to be the beast with two backs we've all heard so much about - an Azerothian candidate that's pulled wool over all our eyes.

So, to all you loopy conspiracy theorists out there - try not to pout too much come Jan. 20.

PPB Focus: Michigan Senate recount

With all the recent talk of Obama's cabinet picks, Caroline Kennedy getting a Senate seat because of her last name and the destruction of the American economy, I thought it'd be nice to turn the page over to Michigan's recount.

What's that, you say? You haven't thought about this in a while? Hey, who has? Norm Coleman and funnyman Al Franken's camps have been battling over a minuscule amount of votes since Nov. 4, desperately trying to scrape up enough to win or, alternatively, enough to ensure the other guy loses. It's drudgery, tedious and not even Franken's hare krishna skit could liven it up.

Let's take a look: Franken thinks he's only 192 votes behind - a number that can conceivably be beat, if some 200 votes that Coleman said have been double counted are tossed into the mix.

What's next: More tediousness, recounts, arguing over every single little tiny detail that could possibly sway the election one way or the other. In short, the American way.

Who throws a shoe, honestly?

You've all heard the story by now - disgruntled journalist throws shoes at a surprisingly lithe President Bush, gets tackled by security, becomes instead cult hero.

Here's what one avid fan said of shoe-thrower Muntadhar al-Zeidi in this story:

"All Iraqis should be proud of this Iraqi brave man, Muntadhar. History will remember him forever."

Um, really? Guy chucks his shoes at the president out of anger/angst/unhappiness and he deserves Superman status? I guess heroes are in such short supply overseas that they'll promote anyone, even footwear warriors.

But let's dissect this cute little moment in history for a second. Some hoser displays his political fervor in an act of defiance and is glorified by many tired of U.S. forces being in Iraq. One group gives him a medal.

Look at the larger picture and ask - what of noteworthiness has this guy accomplished? Why should he be a hero?

I understand the value of voicing dissent. Good on ya for doing so. But why should that warrant hero status? Regardless of nationality, don't you want your heroes to accomplish great deeds? The story says many in the Middle East love Che. Well, at least Che did something, he was part of something bigger than him.

This guy threw some shoes and people are ready to stick him on a pedestal.

Honestly?

Attack of the Kennedys

Look, I understand that in the absence of a senator, that state's governor gets to name a successor.

Fine. It's the rules, and we gotta live by them. But being an incumbent brings certain advantages, meaning whoever gets the nod to fill Hillary Clinton's seat gets a leg up on staying in office come election time.

And that brings me to Caroline Kennedy, who's been mentioned as a possible fit to the empty chair. An attorney, her whole life in the public eye, one might think she'd be great to grace the Senate halls.

But I have to ask - haven't we had enough Kennedys in office? Hey, I hate to be a downer here, but didn't we want to be our own nation partially because of a failed feudal system?

Oh, I'm using hyperbole, you say? Whatever. JFK got the word "Camelot" attached to him, the whole family has essentially become American royalty and I don't like the idea of so much power being concentrated in one family.

I understand it's human nature to consolidate such power. Noble houses did a pretty good job of it. However, I don't like the idea of continuing that tradition no matter how much good any particular person, or family, might do.

If the people of New York choose to elect Caroline, fine. But let her earn it like any other politician. Don't just hand her the seat, bow your head and scuttle away like some peon.

We've come a little farther than that.

You saw this one coming

A breaking FoxNews update:

Congress whittled down the Secretary of State's salary so Hillary Clinton can take the mantle. They have to do it, if Hillz is going to take the job, because the constitution restricts those trying to climb the money tree on the public's dollar.

We wrote about this earlier, saying those on both ends of the spectrum were a bit off. Some sniffed at the mere thought that Congress might have to dirty itself by abiding by the law. The other side screamed a violation of the constitution, declaring Hillary would be in Obama's cabinet when cats and dogs lived together.

As usual, views on the edges are caricatures of reality. The salary was dropped with little to no fanfare, and Hillary will become the nation's newest secretary of state.

It's kind of funny how the news works, isn't it? When the subject is first broached, it's spread across the front pages. When Congress actually does it, it's a little brief halfway down the page on Fox's Web site.

It's all about power, baby

Sex and money are the handmaidens of power. I made that up just now. Sounds good, doesn't it?

We can see that in scandals throughout the past year. Eliot Spitzer's fall from the governorship because of his tryst with a call girl. John Edwards getting busted while visiting "the other woman."

And now Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich gets busted for essentially trying to sell the vacant Senate seat, which is still warm from Barack Obama's departure. Let's listen in:

"Unless I get something real good ... (expletive), I'll just send myself, you know what I'm saying?"

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the nature of humans and power. It changes people, warps them into creatures they don't even recognize after a few years. That's just one of my reasons for term limits on everything from senator to dogcatcher.

Blagojevich's conundrum is one of the rawest grasps for money/power I've seen in a while. Spitzer needed a little sumpin' sumpin'. Edwards may very well have been led away by pure feelings. But in Blagojevich you can see an evil cunning, a misuse of the public's trust in order to gain a high-paying position for his wife and himself.

And if the price wasn't high enough, then he'd just take the seat of power for himself.

This scenario will exist forever. We can't stop it, but we should severely punish those who do.

Unfortunately, that's another problem with those in power. They tend to protect each other.

Thanks for the downer

Obama certainly isn't wasting his time in his quest to depress the hell out of America. He spoke to the nation Sunday, which this story adequately describes. A few things jump out at me as terribly sobering and not pleasant at all. Here's a quick summary:

- The economy will get worse before it gets better. Well, there's a surprise, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to lay the smack down of reality upon the American populace. We shouldn't be ticked at the messenger.

- The days of pork barrel spending are over. Sure, if you want to veto every budget Congress sends to you. I've said it before - pork spending is an infinitesimal portion of the budget, it's a good way to garner favors from others in Congress and keep your own people happy at the same time.

- Unemployment's at 6.7 percent. And it's probably going to climb over the next year. Luckily, I know how to wait tables.

- "We can't worry short term about the deficit." Well, that's good to know. I guess all the talk numerous politicians spouted about the spiraling deficit really wasn't that important. I'll just close my eyes and pray for a clean death.

- Questions about Obama's smoking habits. He coyly evaded answering this one outright. I wonder just what he's smoking ...

Hillz can have Secretary of State?

There has been far too much chatter about Sen. Hillary Clinton's inability to serve as Secretary of State because of Article 1, Section 6 of the Constitution, which states:

No Senator or Representative shall, during the Time for which he was elected, be appointed to any civil Office under the Authority of the United States which shall have been created, or the Emoluments whereof shall have been increased during such time; and no Person holding any Office under the United States, shall be a Member of either House during his Continuance in Office.

So, Bush raised the salary's while Clinton was a senator, making her ineligible to serve - or so that's what Judicial Watch, an obviously partisan group, has said in this CNN story:

"There's no getting around the Constitution's ineligibility clause, so Hillary Clinton is prohibited from serving in the Cabinet until at least 2013, when her current term expires," Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton said in a statement.

Of course, I recently read a blog that lamented the fact Congress would have to actually change the law to allow Clinton to serve. How terrible it is that our elected legislature must waste time by adhering to a law, it was declared.

Both are chump views. Precedent on this issue was set more than 30 years ago and reinforced during the Clinton administration. Fitton looks like a fool for declaring there's no way Hillary can serve, because it's happened before.

And blog hero would rather ignore the rule of law because it's such a petty thing in his eyes - an equally foolish outlook when you consider our nation is supposedly built on the rule of law.
Congress will either lower the salary or Hillary won't work for the higher pay. Time to move on to the next pathetic partisan attack.

Sax attack

So, Saxby Chambliss secured his Senate seat for another term. We thought he'd do well.

Sitting here at 9:41 p.m. from the comfort of my cubicle, I see that the Sax has taken about 58 percent of the vote with around 88 percent of precincts reporting.

He really relied on the whole filibsuter issue, in my most humble of opinions. Saxby declared he'll be a firewall to stop those evil-doer Democrats from pushing filthy legislation down good Americans' throats - or something to that effect.

I guess running on a platform of stopping anything from happening really can work. Good job.

It's the impeachiest time of the year

I don't care what your political dalliances are, this is awesome.

Here's the skinny: First Lady Laura Bush asks representatives to submit Christmas tree decorations for the White House tree. One artiste sends in a decoration in support of a resolution for the impeachment of the president.

Surprise: it didn't make the cut.

And the icing on the cake? This quote: Sally McDonough, a spokeswoman for Laura Bush, called the ornament inappropriate. "I think it really is a shame and, quite frankly, not very much in the holiday spirit," she said.

BWAAHAHHAHAH. It's not in the holiday spirit? Really? And I imagine those who feel so strongly about impeaching Bush, who have a righteous fervor and belief that the president must undergo those proceedings, should just wait until the holidays are done?

Yeah. Let's be serious. Bush isn't going to be impeached. That's not the point. The real point is that White House spokespeople wouldn't know good PR if it bit them.

"I think it really is a shame..." It's a shame McDonough has had that cush job for this long. Don't let the White House door hit your butt on your way out.

Georgia is relevant? You betcha!

What do you do when you're locked in a runoff and you're not sure about your re-election chances? Bring in the big guns - and that's not supposed to be dirty, so clean out your rotten head with some moral floss.

Sarah Palin is in the Peach State stumping for Saxby Chambliss, who may or may not be in a tough spot trying to get re-elected. Palin's reached celebrity status, and her mere appearance here means national media attention, especially because she hasn't shown her head on a campaign trail since Nov. 4.

People love Palin, and that love is a power to be reckoned with. Chambliss will likely win, and Palin's tour through Georgia should be credited with that win. Jim Martin gave it a good shot, and I'll be happy to feast on crow if wrong, but the Obama factor bringing people to the polls is over. Republicans will have their day Tuesday, and Chambliss will return to the Senate to ensure the evil Democrats don't use their majority to destroy taxpaying citizens while devilishly laughing over their misfortune.

Because we certainly wouldn't want any party to have that level of control. Right, Saxby?