Mallard Fillmore sucks

You know you've seen it - that dumb comic "Mallard Fillmore" squished between "Ziggy" and the crossword puzzle. You might ask, why write about this comic now? What great new development has occurred in this most masterful of drawings that makes it deserving of Alan's grand machinations?

Yah, nothing really. I just don't like it. Many have argued that it's not funny; I won't repeat their arguments, but instead will posit that it's not funny because of its conservative slant.

Why can a comic such as "This Modern World" be good and "Mallard" be so mindnumbingly bad? Because conservatives don't make for good funnymen? Because taking a Republican/conservative viewpoint puts one at a disadvantage in the realm of comedy? Or is it just my own loopy liberal stance, if loopy and liberal it is?

Maybe it's because good comedy isn't gained day after day by attacking the intelligence and patriotism of those whose political views disagree with you. Instead of witty discourse, "Mallard" gives you one-sided disgust and hate.

"This Modern World" is ultra-liberal, sure, but at least it's got a wit behind the banter instead of some waterfowl who can't tell the difference between when Ann Coulter burps and when she writes.

Naw, it's not political

Republican U.S. Senator Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, just got indicted on seven counts of political backscratching and back room deals. The legal papers define it differently, but that's essentially the case - the senator is accused of not disclosing thousands in services he got from a business that helped renovate his home.

And some DOJ flunkie is saying their policy is to keep politics out of their jobs.

Sure, I believe that, don't you? This thing has been brewing for months and months and it just happens to reach a head three months before his toughest election?

OK, let's say it is a super convenient coincidence. Regardless of whether it's been manufactured, it'll still accomplish the same goals. Democrats will likely gain a seat in the Senate, keep or even grow their majority in the House and then capture the presidency. Republican gaffes will continue until and through the election cycle and virtually guarantee that the pendulum of politics increases the speed it's swinging left.

Bad or good, who can tell. Just keep a firm grip as the swing picks up speed.

Sex, lies and populism

Ya know, when the media gets a story like the Eliot Spitzer/Kristen debacle, everyone can have a good yuk at the stupidity of a man who was thinking with the wrong head. But when you pick up an affair that involves a young, Kennedy-esque politician such as John Edwards cheating on his cancer-stricken wife, it makes for some pretty sad stuff.

But it still should be reported, if it's a valid story. And this one just might make the cut.

Here's the skinny: Edwards was "caught" by the National Enquirer supposedly sneaking around a hotel where his purported mistress, Rielle Hunter, was staying. The questions abound: Was he there meeting with the woman who bore his love child? Did they or are they sleeping around? Enquiring minds want to know.

And they deserve to know. The MSM tied Spitzer up and delivered him on a silver platter to America. Why wouldn't the same be done to Edwards? Is it because his wife is ill and that wouldn't be appropriate? Is it because the MSM is horribly liberal and protects anyone young, hip and Democratic?

Or is it simply because this is trash out of the National Enquirer that has no basis? That may be, but at this point real reporters should be out there either confirming or debunking the story. No one, not Edwards, not Spitzer, should be immune from this scrutiny. Clear the air or put a scarlet "A" on his suit jacket.

Admit it - you may not buy the Enquirer as you stand in the check-out line, but you sure look at it a lot.

Ruben Studdard, political maverick

There's nothing quite like money when it comes to political campaigns. Politicians decry how it's used and hate the way it's become so entrenched in the process and then hold $1,000-a-plate dinners.

Regardless how you think of it, cold cash is needed to win any race, even in little 'ole Selma, Ala., where it appears Ruben Studdard, of American Idol fame, has contributed $100 to the incumbent, Mayor James Perkins Jr.

I've cut out the guy's address, so all you vindictive hellions don't roll his house:

Ruben Studdard, Pelham, $100

Is this the same Ruben that wowed us on television screens and stepped into our hearts as the No. 1 AI contestant? Is this the same man who bore the numerals "205" across his chest each evening?

If it is, then why is he contributing to Perkins' campaign? And can't he find more than $100? Where'd all those winnings go? Certainly not into an album worth buying.

On a somewhat unrelated amusing note - Selma's former police chief, Robert Green, gave $400 to Perkins' opponent, George Evans. If you knew the history behind these two, you'd be yucking it up, if for no other reason than a cop has more cash than a guy who won American Idol.

It ain't easy being Green

I know the nomination of Cynthia McKinney as the Green Party's presidential candidate is old news (or maybe not even news...) by now, but I wanted to delve into a related subject even more unknown - her choice of veep.

That's right, I speak of none other than Rosa Clemente, the hip-hop activist and no doubt politically savvy pol that will take November's election by storm.

The Green's Web site proclaims that Clemente's addition to the ticket ... "is big news. In fact its great news. First Rosa is no joke. This Bronx born-Puerto Rican-African sista is sharp on the issues and uncompromising on the principals she stands for. She stands tall and fights fiercely for the communities and people she has long represented. She is more than qualified."

Rosa, I'm not saying you're a joke. I'm saying the whole political party you belong to is a joke. Third parties in 21st century America are little more than fodder for late night talk shows and trivia games at local bars. If you've got to fight to get your name on every states' ballot, then you don't stand a chance and shouldn't be taken seriously in the political area.

Running a national campaign is a big deal, and throwing your hat in the ring in July isn't the way to do it. Then again, I believe only the most deluded of Greens believe they have a chance to win. What is this really, except another bullet point the guy who introduces you to speak can add to your list of accomplishments?

Troy's boys

Bad political blogs like mine live for rumors of sex in politics. It's even better when the sex is considered taboo by your priest.

Enter Alabama Attorney General Troy King - the newest addition to the Larry Craig club. Blogs have been swimming in talk about his alleged gay affair that was supposedly discovered by his wife not too long ago. As the story goes, his wife booted him out of the house and Goat Hill is now whispering King could resign.

If it only it were true. While King is about as balanced as a one-legged bar stool, I just can't believe he's had a homosexual relationship. This is the guy that despises gambling, loves the death penalty and doesn't see anything wrong with accepting under the table gifts from big political benefactors. He's just too Republican to get mixed up in something like this.

Or is he? Conservatives getting caught up in the love that dare not speak its name has really come into vogue in the past few years. The rumor itself could be enough to sidetrack a run for the governorship in 2010. If' it turns out to be even partially true, King has just witnessed the death of his political career.

And we were there to see it.

Died on the Fourth of July

Hey, I never really followed the life and times of former Sen. Jesse Helms, but like most people I like to mark the moment when such a figure passes on, buys the farm or kicks it, as my beloved mother is wont to say.

Like him, hate him or remain vaguely indifferent, Helms was one of those politicians that you couldn't ignore. Maybe his death should start a rallying cry for term limits. The longer someone stays in office, the more powerful they become and Helms had some 30 years of puissance in the Senate. He wasn't defeated, but ultimately stepped down from his seat when his health began to really deteriorate.

You don't have to like a guy that powerful, and you sure don't have to respect his beliefs, but I think you're forced to respect the power and influence someone like that wields. We all like power, but there's a point when it overshadows the individual, takes over and starts using him.

This Fourth of July weekend, think about how you want the power of elected officials to be used. Then vote.

Jesse would have wanted you to.