PPB going to new format

It's all true - Political Pork & Beans is changing its look, as are all the blogs at ledger-enquirer.com.

But don't fear! While I might not have a keen picture with which to bemuse readers with each post, I'll still have the razor wit you've come to know and loathe.

Check us out here.

Are you stimulated?

President Barack Obama signed into law today the $787 billion stimulus package which supposedly will save the economy, create lots of jobs and set America back on the path to prosperity. However, it's a tricky bit of legislation and not everyone is up to slogging through the infinite number of pages that make it up.

That's why we've included a handy FAQ about the stimulus, which we hope will answer any nagging questions you have about this mammoth undertaking. Enjoy.

Q: What will the stimulus do?

A: The stimulus, though a precise plan of enacting tax breaks and targeted public spending, will make everything OK forever. Starting Feb. 17, you will never have to worry about money again. Just sit back, relax and have a fizzy drink. By the way, you're welcome.

Q: That kind of sounds like BS. Really, how is this going to help me?

A: Listen, peon, this thing is so complex you couldn't possibly get your puny brain around it. I suggest keeping your mouth shut and letting the big boys handle the major league stuff.

Q: You're spending my money! You know, it's this kind of arrogance that gets political leaders kicked out of office. Take my cash, spend it and don't tell the taxpayer anything. Who do you think you are?

A: We're the government. Now shut up, sit down and stop asking questions or you'll find yourself getting audited for the next decade, fan boy.

Both sides of the story

Here's a good conundrum: A student gives a speech in a college classroom opposed to gay marriage, the professor allegedly goes off on the student and two fellow students are offended by the hateful words. What should be done?

For this question, we've brought in two guest writers - Insane Intolerant Conservative and Psycho America-hating Liberal. Let's have a listen...

First, Insane Intolerant Conservative:

"Let's get something straight right off the bat: This professor is stifling a student's free speech. It's just yet another example of a state that's further out there than Pluto forcing its liberal trash beliefs on a God-fearing American who's only speaking the truth. Don't like it? Get out of my country. We don't need you here. I'm sure there's room in Sodom for the likes of anyone who supports gay marriage. Read the Bible. READ THE BIBLE."

And lastly, Psycho America-hating Liberal:

"First step, mandatory state-financed mental reprogramming sessions for the poor, deluded student who believes anyone should be denied the joy of marriage. After that, we tax him and his family back to the Dark Ages. In fact, anyone who disagrees with my oligarchy will be put in a special tax bracket and I'll fund my socialist agenda with YOUR money. You won't even have the gas money to drive to your polling place after we're done with you, comrade."

Political Pork & Beans - your source for news!

Ann Coulter: Troglodyte malcontent

Here's a perfect example of why we should use part of the stimulus to build a rocket and use it to shoot Ann Coulter into the center of the sun.

Once again, this shrill harpy that just won't go away has to educate us on how stupid we are. Jurors don't know the difference between and a "m" and a "b," mothers who have kids out of wedlock are parasites and - the unsaid but underlying theme throughout the whole hateful dirge - you evil liberals forced a stimulus on us that will destroy life as we know it by electing Barack Obama.

What kind of message do you get out of the headline: "Goodbye America! It was fun while it lasted?"

"Instead of digging ditches, American taxpayers will be digging our own graves," Coulter states at one point in her trash-talking piece.

Hey, hand me a shovel. There's one grave I want to start digging now.

You know, the really funny thing about this whole scenario is that Coultergeist will only become more popular throughout the Obama administration. Talking heads such as her thrive on being in the minority and get their best yuks by attacking a president of the opposite party.

The more Obama screws up, the more Coulter wins - and she certainly will make a point of telling every pundit on every TV show that she was right.

But the really horrible thing that might happen is that the stimulus works, the economy gets out of its lull and Obama gets the tiniest bit of credit for helping it occur.

Wouldn't America getting through these difficult times just be so awful for someone who despises the president and his policies? Maybe she'd like the vacuum of space better than these United States.

More fun from Fox

Online comments, unlike life, are not like a box of chocolates. You always know what you're going to get inside and it's a pile of junk masquerading as a forum of intelligent thought.

You may say I'm writing about online comments at Fox's Web site because I lean left and am feeling lazy today. You'd be correct. Let's listen in anyways:

ALL CONGRESS AND SENATORS AND THE PRESIDENT SHOULD BE IMPEACHED.

Yeah, that's just an excerpt from Greta's grab bag of blog. I would say it's funny how anonymity brings out the stupid in people, but that's pretty obvious. Being anonymous is a pathetic mask for those who can dish it out but can't take it. They are the powerless, and yelling in an empty room makes them feel better.

But don't be fooled - anonymity alone doesn't make one silly. Just posting something online decreases your intelligence. Sad but true, we are collectively becoming dumber merely by using the Internet.

DO SOMETHING!

That's the message one of the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 once shouted to the movie screen during an especially bad film. The reason - nothing was going on, which is pretty bad considering we watch movies because stuff occurs in them.

Having started my post with that little jaunt, allow me now to move into Congress' meandering through a legislative prairie of stimulus slowdown. I understand that our government is built to move like a clunky machine usually only seen in anime, but sometimes they have to move a little faster than usual.

Like when people are losing jobs by the tens of thousands and our economy is dropping worse than "American Idol's" ratings. Keep the politics to yourself for a couple of days, hammer out a bill that you can't love but don't really hate and move it to the president.

Otherwise, there'll be a few more members of Congress out of a job themselves come 2010.

Don't trust anyone over $30,000 a year

Years ago, a co-worker once told me, "What's good for my boss is good for me." I wonder what the folks at Enron think about that?

Doesn't matter. What I'm griping about today is the Fair Tax, a system of taxing that I don't trust. Why? Because I don't trust rich people. If I ever become one, I'll likely still have a sketchy opinion of them.

The Fair Tax has been around for a while, but luckily hasn't reached the level of law. Neal Boortz might like it, because it's supposedly progressive and "fair." If everyone is taxed at the same level, then democracy has won!

But if Richie Rich makes $30,000 a month and has to pay $1,000 through the tax, why is that fair to the guy that makes $2,000 a month who pays the same amount for eggs and biscuits? Do you think the supposed prebate will truly offset the purchase of necessities? Do you trust the government to get that prebate to the millions of households across the country in a timely manner each month?

And then there's the problem of relying on a national sales tax to fund your government. There's no problem when times are good, but what about right now? The economy's bad, people don't buy as much and the government's revenues go down. States already have that trouble - do we really want it on the national level?

Our current tax system is definitely awful, horrible and wretched. But as clunky as it is, the federal government gets its money and continues to operate in its own unique way.

You want to kill that whole system and replace it with something Americans are completely unfamiliar with now?

Rod the superstar

Politicians always make an excellent butt for jokes, even more so when they're crooked.

Case in point - "Rod Blagojevich Superstar!" Check out a basic story here.

What's the gist? Nothing but mockery of a former politico who truly deserves it. Why do we despise Blago? Because people put into positions of high power who then abuse that power have earned the ridicule and hatred of us common folk.

Question: Is the Blago debacle worth a whole musical? I'm not the type of guy that's into musical theater, but instead prefer a more stand-up type of comedy for my yucks.

Enjoy, and may the good lord taking a liking to ya, and blow ya up real good!

Dear Cheney: @*&% off

Cheney's back, and he's got a chip on his shoulder the size of Gibraltar and he's not going to take it anymore!

Just check out this story in which Cheney, still unforgiving, patronizing and pretty much living up to his first name, talks smack about all the mistakes Obama is going to make and how it's going to destroy America, our way of life and democracy.

This sort of talk would have sent Americans into a fetal position circa 2002. In 2004, it helped Bush get re-elected. In early 2009, it sounds a little bitter, cynical and certainly out of date.

I'd make up a cute quip on the level of "Sore/Loserman," but you get the idea.

Perhaps more importantly than mocking a walking heart attack is the philosophical argument we can pull from this Cheney quote:

“When we get people who are more concerned about reading the rights to an Al Qaeda terrorist than they are with protecting the United States against people who are absolutely committed to do anything they can to kill Americans, then I worry,” Cheney said.

Is there any negative effect to the core of America if our government disregards the rights of defendants or uses clever language to get around such rights? If we call them "enemy combatants" then they aren't afforded those rights, and that's OK?

Or is worth discarding a basic tenant of liberty if it keeps the country safe? Are we compromising our beliefs?

Check out the short story "The ones who walk away from Omelas" and answer those questions.

Daschle dashed

Tom Daschle's fall from grace is a story that's been told before. There shouldn't be any surprises in at least one Cabinet pick getting knocked off. Bush had a Labor secretary pick booted because she once employed an illegal alien. She called her failed nomination "the politics of personal destruction."

I call it "politics."

Daschle's dalliances with tax deviancy likely wouldn't affect his ability as secretary of HHS. Same for Bush's pick for Labor some years ago and her alien situation. That's not the point. I believe people on that level of government regardless of party play by a different set of rules and for the most part get away with it.

It's only when they reach a little higher than their enemies would like that you hear the bad news. Would we have heard about Bush's DUI if he hadn't run for president? And, really, how many people hire illegals and nothing happens?

Tons. But not all of them want to be in the president's Cabinet.

Just to be on the safe side for all us regular folks: pay your taxes, don't hire illegal aliens and keep your noses clean (of cocaine).

In the details ...

Check out the following paragraph buried down in this Yahoo! news story:

"The massive infusion of taxpayer money into the financial sector has largely failed to thaw the nation's credit markets, while some financial institutions used the money to pay dividends, buy other banks and pay out big year-end bonuses to employees."

I once wrote, in this very blog, that we should stop our whining when it came to how the government was going to divvy up the bailout cash and put our trust in our elected leaders, because the issue was so mind-boggling insane that plebeians such as ourselves could never understand.

I still believe that. All most people did back when the bailout was discussed was winge about how they should get the money instead of big business. They didn't have a complex understanding of the intense details involved; they just wanted to cry.

But a financial institution being the recipient of these funds, and then using them to dish out big year-end bonuses is something different. That wasn't the purpose of the bailout, and we the people have every right to grab our collective pitchforks and torches and head to the castle.

(We also have the right to cry about the government giving the bailout, but that won't do you any good.)

It must be asked - what detail here was missed? Were there no strings attached to the money given that was intended to free up credit? If there were no strings, why not? Did the government just trust the banks to play nice? Why didn't they play nice? Why did they think it was appropriate to shell out large bonuses? Is this going to help the recovery of our economy?

Enquiring pitchfork holders want to know.

"You save, economy suffers"

Yah, that's the headline right now - about 5:26 p.m. EST - at the top of the page of foxnews.com. What does something like that tell the casual reader, a message such as "You save, economy suffers."

Well, it sends the message that you're a bad person for even thinking about putting some of your money away for a rainy day, even if times are economically tough. Because you're thinking about yourself and selfishly pondering the bleak future of your children, our American economy cries in a dark corner and wishes you'd spend some money at Old Navy.

So, what's the answer to get slacker Americans out of their homes and into the shopping aisles? The story doesn't give one. It's just basically one long whine-fest with quotes from people in the know peppered in.

Because the reporter couldn't be stuffed to find some people to give friendly advice, I'll do so for him. Take note: here's how to get Americans shopping again -

Give us free money. About five grand a person should do.

Riverboat casinos. Make sure you include comps for the buffet.

Cheaper prices at the movie theater. Otherwise, I'll continue downloading copies of "Sex and the City" with someone coughing throughout the whole thing.

Change the official name of American currency to "Funbucks." Easy to spend, and more fun, too.

"I did not have political relations with that senator"

Blago is gone in a 59-0 vote this evening. Who would have guessed, since everyone - including the former gov'nur - openly said that it was going to happen.

We have a few ideas of new careers Blago should attempt now that he's got some free time:

High school counselor (They always have the best advice)

Hairstylist (It's a mean joke, but still funny)

Motivational speaker (Did you hear his swansong before the Senate? Amazing)

Lobbyist (Probably more true than we'd like to believe)

Felon (The most likely choice)

Blago to go-go

How long does it take state senators to impeach a guy? All the media's waiting for the Illinois crew to get to voting, so they can file their story and head to the bar for a well-earned whiskey.

But all fun aside, this is a sad day for the great state of Illinois. Here it is, making history by first impeaching the guy and then likely removing him from office. Truly, shouldn't we let our corrupt politicians stay in office? The only crime he really committed was getting caught.

You know who's really happy with all these developments - Lt. Gov. Patrick Quinn. Talk about a sweet gig. Maybe he never had what it took to get the high spot, and now he gets to slide in once Blago gets the boot, put the little (I) by his name come next election and watch the votes roll in.

Stay tuned for more developments!

More Obamadrama

Obama's been in office a week, and he's already setting the stage for some great high school antics. Just take a look at this story, which throws around the names of the administration's powerful as if they were in the prom queen's court.

It appears that Obama is assigning numerous people to various jobs whose duties are just close enough to make everybody involved chafe that someone else is essentially doing their job. The cherry on top is that all those who have overlapping duties have someone overseeing that particular group.

In the realm of city government, we call this "duplication of services." Imagine a city that has three different organizations that feed the poor, have a home for the battered and do an annual auction to raise money for their cause. Think they might all work together for the common good and not worry about who gets the praise?

Whatever. They typically are upset that another group is on their turf, they don't like the fact that their fief is threatened and they're more likely than not to oppose a joining of services that would better serve the very people they exist to help.

Sound like the city you live in? If so, then welcome to America!

Boring...

Now that the inauguration's done, there's nothing to get excited about anymore. That hasn't been the case for a long while. There was always something in the news in the weeks beforehand about President Bush about to bow out and Obama waiting to take the mantle.

And then there was the gala itself. Everyone descended upon D.C., and we all had a good time remembering where we were at noon that day. Sure, some people are still negative Nancys about the whole deal, but we'll get by.

But now, what is there? A federal stimulus that doesn't include a check for me? Blago's all but certain removal from office in a few days?

Where's Eliot Spitzer when you really need him? Or Kristen, for that matter...

Of course, there's always this little item, where beloved hack Bob Woodward hints at an upcoming scandal for Obama's administration. I guess he needs some kind of word from God, or actual verification, before he releases more tidbits.

Weekend roundup

As a member of the liberal media, I haven't had time to post on this blog in the past few days because I was waiting for instructions from the Obama administration. However, now that I and others in the fourth estate have received their orders, I am able to once again join the ranks of the unbiased reporting establishment which you, the people, so richly deserve.

So, what have I missed?

1) Caroline Kennedy, much to my dismay, was not picked as Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate. This despite the myriad of qualifications she has, including that HER LAST NAME IS KENNEDY. Hillary was replaced by New York Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand , who apparently likes guns.

2) Obama reversed the Bush ban on giving cash to overseas groups that provide abortions or information on them. This was pretty much expected by everyone and is absolutely no surprise, yet it provides people on both sides of the issue a chance to once again air their grievances and spout off clever phrases that look good on bumper stickers.

3) Katie Stam of Indiana was crowned Miss America Saturday night. This is important to Georgians because if Stam stumbles just once, first runner up Miss Georgia Chasity Hardman will be there to pick up the pieces.

Congrats to all the contestants.

President Obama

The inauguration is one of those moments where people stop what they're doing and watch what's going on. You want to see the candidates raise their hands, take an oath and become the next executives of America.

I sat in the east wing of the Columbus Government Center watching the swearing-in and Obama's speech. Of course, it was full of rhetoric, but that's to be expected. The real test will be when Congress starts pushing legislation the White House doesn't like.

That could be a few days, even weeks. But Obama won't have a long honeymoon, and he knows it.

Obama Watch (tm) - just two hours away!

Obama Watch (tm) - where the disinterested join the ranks of the impolitic.

Did you see this story about Bush and Cheney's portraits getting removed from all federal buildings around noon today? Ya gotta love it when a plan comes together. Moving all the Bush stuff out of the White House in six hours and all the Obama stuff in takes a mammoth effort, but I like to think getting 9,000 pictures across the country removed at around the same time is just as difficult.

They say they'll be destroyed, you know, so people like you can't get a hold of them and use them for nefarious purposes. But how tough will it be to ensure every single portrait is disposed of this way? Could some federal worker be bribed to hand over a picture late tonight? Could some sneaky ninja purloin a portrait under the watchful eye of bailiffs?

Look on eBay in the coming weeks for stolen goods.

Obama Watch (tm) - Commie mutant traitor!

Obama Watch (tm) - keeping you misinformed for a good 20 or so hours.

Was there ever any doubt? Here Barack Obama is, talking about volunteerism as if he were Karl Marx! Just look at this lead from the Yahoo! news story:

"Barack Obama stood at the threshold of the White House on Monday, summoning fellow Americans to join him in service as tens of thousands flocked to the nation's capital to celebrate his inauguration as the first black president."

Are you actually asking me, a lazy American, to spend my free time doing something good for king and country? Hey, I gave the charity of my choice thirty bucks at Thanksgiving. What more do you want?

I think the answer to that question is pretty obvious: Obama wants a nation of card-carrying, "Communist Manifesto" loving, telekinesis-wielding, socialist-leaning commies willing to open the borders and give away our jobs to terrorists! The next thing you know he'll be OPENING THE NINTH GATE UNDER THE SEAL OF SHUGGOTH TO ASOASOPTNAPISDHGA;OSIDGA[OEA[OI

Obama Watch (tm) - just 18 hours until the big event!